THE LOST PRIVILEGE

 “Oh Lord use me, break me and make me, please heavenly father be glorified in my life” 

these were the words I muttered accompanied with tongues as I knelt down right inside my shady room with my clothes dripping sweat and tears. I had not recovered from the powerful sermon preached by my pastor in Church; my travailing lasted for almost an hour until I was interrupted at the fiftieth minute by something I thought was in total disparity with my prayers, something I least expected to happen but it was actually God’s hands of mercy towards me.

 “Ade, Ade….” 

This was what I kept hearing within me as my voice began to faint. 

“Lord, why am I hearing Ade?”

 and within milli seconds just as the questions came, the answer came immediately 

“break up”,

 I tried ignoring what had just happened and increased my pitch in my prayers but I lost peace; it was so certain that God had spoken to me. I couldn’t wave it off; it was so firm and kept reverberating within me. I and Ade had been in a relationship for two years, he was so kind and amazing, we went to the same secondary school together and our relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me and this that the Lord was asking me to do, I didn’t understand it at all. 

“Why would God ask me to break up with someone I have been with for two years now why would he asked me to break up with someone that was God fearing”

 these were my ponderings as I was taking off my soaked gown.

 “Sharon, Sharon… Ade is at the parlour and he bought shawarma o” 

My younger sister Angel said to me smiling.

 “Oh tell him am coming” 

I answered her stuttering. Then I made my way to the sitting room. As I saw him, it was like my ghost wanted to make its way out of my mouth. 

“Sharon are you ok, your face really looks pale” 

“yes am fine” 

I answered clearing my throat. 

“ok then let’s take a stroll down the street”

 he said to me, oh my Ade was as cute as ever. 

 

“Sharon I got something for you” he said stretching his hands towards me as we passed the third building after our house.

 “Oh waw, a necklace, really but you just got me an earring three days ago and now this. Thanks a lot Ade, am really grateful”

 this increased the odds of me not breaking up with Ade. We walked through the street with my face down most of the time.

 “Sharon, are you sure you are ok, or is there something you want to tell me” 

as he said words my heartbeat increased as I was staring at him wondering how he knew I had something to tell him.

 “hmm, not really jare, ehn how will the match go tomorrow, I heard that Chelsea is playing tomorrow with Real Madrid, and am so sorry I would be consoling you tomorrow” 

I replied him smiling with the very intention to change the subject.

 “oh, so you are part of the haters, I thought you were going to support me, you of all people” 

“yes I will always support you, but tomorrow I will support you by consoling you”

 I replied him as we were laughing back to my house but the fun was just to cover for what I felt inside. Inside was pain, inside was grief.

 Well you would imagine what my decision was, if I broke up with him or not well I didn’t. I wasn’t ready for it at all, I wasn’t ready to walk this strange path the Lord was asking me to walk especially the one without my Ade, but little did I know that my maker wanted to bring me into something unique in my life, something pertaining to my destiny, something pertaining to my purpose, just like the master sent servants in the book of Luke 14:16-20 to go call those he ordained to be with him for the feast but I was part of the people giving excuses; I was foolishly concerned with my relationship with Ade thereby causing my feast with my maker be on hold, well I would rather say a feast I lost. A feast that would have made me, a feast that would have revealed who I was meant to be, a feast that would have granted me the privilege afterwards to bring healing to the daughters of Zion, a feast I could only partake in if I denied all, a feast that was an answer to my prayer but I let it spill because of my relationship with my Ade just like Esau in the bible sold his birth right for just a plate of porridge. Something he would have gotten a million times later if only he had endured the pain of hunger for that moment.

 My journey with Ade continued for seven years but in the realm of eternity I was wasting time because I wasn’t walking in divine will. All the earthly happiness I had for these seven years came to an end when I found something about my Ade. Ade had just gotten a new job at one the most envied oil companies Chevron where he worked as their financial analyst. It was going all fine and great when he started his new job until the first two months of work passed. 

“Welcome Ade how was work? You are really late again today. Is it the traffic?”

 “yes my dear, it is serious again today o. it is well with this country” 

he replied as he loosened the tie from his neck. 

“Well darling your food is on the table” I said to him as I carried his brief case making my way to the room

 “no am ok, am not eating, am full”

“But darling you haven’t eaten my food for a week now, why are you doing this to me” 

I said with tears on my eyes. I had been so worried and heartbroken at the way my Ade was acting towards me, most times he left the home without giving me his usual kisses, he hardly answered my call while at work unlike the first month when he calls me almost every two hours in a day. 

“I said am ok Sharon. The traffic was serious that I had to buy something on the roadside, why are you making me feel guilty now”

 he replied as he hissed at me making his way to the tv set  

“am really sorry, please don’t be angry, I will be on bed”.

 

“Oh, darling you know I just came back from work and am so tired, I can’t do this now, can we do this tomorrow”

 well I was expecting those words he was always saying it every night. I missed my husband; he hasn’t touched me for days. 

“why? What is happening? Is someone else stealing his heart from me?” 

this were my thoughts as I turned away from him to face the wall in our room. 

“Honey, am sorry I will make it to you I promise”

 he said to me rubbing my elbow. 

“No problem I understand good night Ade mi” 

 Well I had decided the other night to get to the root of the all the mishaps I was experiencing in my relationship and wasn’t going to rest until I figured it out, well it was so easy doing that. I had secretly gone to my husband office at about 4p.m when he closes and decided to wait at a cafeteria in front of the company when I saw him coming out of the company holding the hands of a light toned lady as they made their way to the cafeteria. Thank God I wasn’t noticed. 

“Rachael, you are amazing; thanks for the meal yesterday it was delicious” 

“you don’t need to thank me, you are always welcome dear” 

she said squeezing the hands of my Ade.

 “what could Ade and her be discussing, who is she and why is he squeezing his hands, what! Did he just kiss her?”

 these were my words as I was made my way down to their table.

“So is this how you want to repay me Ade after all we have been through together, what is it that I am not doing for you Ade”

“Who is this woman, Ade” Rachael asked him in surprise. 

“oh, she is my wife Rachael”

“Sharon why are you embarrassing me in front of everyone here, what’s your problem”

“Oh yes you deserve more embarrassment; you thought I didn’t see when you kissed her right”

 I shouted at him with tears in my eyes 

“Well you saw what you saw and so. Please Rachael let’s leave”.

 I could not believe my very eyes; it was as if my husband was under her spell. The man I thought I could vouge for was stabbing me right in my presence.

It was all over, I lost everything. The so called relationship I kept and held on to, unwilling to let go was finally lost. 

 

“Heavenly father, I really miss you. Are you still there, please dear father I really need you” 

these were my words as I was on my knees crying to my long lost companion.

 “am really sorry father, now I have lost everything, even my husband, my first love am sorry, am really sorry for allowing my relationship with Ade take your place in my life. Lord please grant the privilege of your presence once again”

 I said these words hoping that he would show up and glory to God he did. 

“Daughter I have been there always but you ignored me all this while, my love for you is unbending. Last seven years was a critical moment of your life, it was a season registered by me and you wasted seven years chasing after your shadows, trying to keep what will never last.”

 His words were like ocean falls in my soul.

“Lord am deeply sorry. I have learnt my mistake father am so sorry….”

 My long lost sweet and fervent relationship with the Lord has been restored but I lost something, well I lost two things but the second which was my husband doesn’t matter to me anymore. I had wasted seven years that would have been fruitful with my heavenly Father. I wish I could rewind the hands of time to seven years ago, I would have made things right and I would never have gone through all that I went through.

 I write this story to you so you would learn from my experience. The Lord know all things and he has a lot to reveal to us pertaining our life and destiny but the more we are unwilling and unbending to his instructions and will, the more we are pushing him away and by that also pushing away our glory because the bible says in the book of Luke 9:24 For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever will lose his life for my sake, the same will save it..

We can only save and know our true lives when we deny our self for his sake when we die to our ambitions and allow his will to be done in our lives. You might have no idea of your purpose and who you are supposed to be but trust me just give Jesus the wheel of your life and he will surely lead you to your destination.

The End

Written by Chinedu Nweke Emmanuel