If you were sitting in
a room with a 5 layer chocolate cake and told not to touch it, could you resist
the temptation? Would you sniff it? Maybe even skim some of the icing off with
your finger? According to Laura Markham Ph.D. of Psychology Today1, “Only 30%
of 4 year olds can manage their emotions, anxiety and impulses to resist
temptation.” Why should that matter? How you deal with self-control when you
are four will determine whether or not the adult you can resist the urge to taste
that chocolate cake.
Self-control is also
known as self-restraint, or “the ability to regulate one’s thoughts and
behavior in the face of temptation and impulses,” according Wikipedia. Self-control mastered in
childhood prevents problems arising in adulthood.
Why
it’s difficult to learn self-control?
In today’s
instant-gratification society, anything you need is at the touch of a finger.
You switch on the television with a remote. You don’t have to wait for your
favorite program, you stream it. You buy passes to by-pass the long lines at amusement
parks. Microwaves heat your food up instantly, and when your out and hungry,
you grab some fast food. Fast, convenient and no waiting, but at what cost?
Kids enter a world
where waiting is minimal and tempers in these volatile times run high. People
scream at each other on television, from their cars- and even in public. They
rage at their governments by destroying other people’s property. Kids grasp
concepts by example and society provides a poor one. However, scolding your
child for their lack of self-control will do no one any favors, as this
necessary soft skill needs to be learned.
Why
learning self-control is essential for kids
Kids need to start
learning self-control when they are young. The prefrontal cortex of the brain,
the part used to regulate self-control3, develops slowly in children and they,
in turn, have the ability to take in this soft skill in stages in accordance to
their growth.
A toddler, though
unable to understand complex issues to them like waiting for cookies to finish
baking in an oven, can be distracted, setting a foundation for building
self-distraction as a coping mechanism for self-control. However, a five year
old can sit in a time out to calm down and know why they are in that time out,
and a teen can be taught to think twice about a reaction if the consequences
mean losing that Friday night at a friend’s house.
How to help your kids
learn self-control
1.
Be a Good Role Model
You are the best model
for your child to learn self-control. They will take their cues from how you
act and react to situations. Do you lose your temper in the car and shout at
other drivers? Keep calm and your child will learn to do the same.
2.
Develop Trust Bonds
In order for kids to
learn self-control, they need to know you have their back. If they already know
they have dinner at home at 6, they will feel less compelled to grab that candy
at 5:30. They trust you will feed them at 6, and having that sense of trust is
essential in developing self-control. Provide a safe, warm, loving environment
in which they can learn and thrive.
3.
Teach Through Games
Younger kids learn
self-control techniques best through play5. Games like Red-Light Green-Light or
musical chairs teach them that have to control themselves. They have to stop
themselves from grabbing that chair while the music is still going, or stop and
freeze when they hear that “red-light” command. They are playing yet learning
vital impulse control at the same time.
4.
Use Delayed Gratification
Waiting is essential
for self-control. Bake with your kids. With a timer to set- they have
anticipation. The cake/cookies/brownies will be done by X amount of time. This
helps them practice delayed gratification. You can use this too by not buying
them something they badly want and tell them they must wait for their birthday
or Christmas.
5. Tell Them About Consequences for Actions
Teaching kids they have
consequences for their actions is essential in self-control. Instead of
scolding them for their bad behavior, tell them you are taking away their
electronics/favorite toy/ for X amount of time because of the behavior. Yelling
does no one favors and only escalates the situation, but losing television
privileges for a week will make them think twice next time.
6.
Use Meditation
Recently, some schools
have adopted the practice of using meditation to help with lack of behavior
issues, instead of suspension and detention and their successes are
astounding. Much like a time-out, but focused, meditation helps children to
master self control, gain inner calmness, and alleviate anxiety. Regular
meditation also teaches the practitioner not to react impulsively to
situations.
You can start your kids
mediating- a minute a day to begin with. There are audios available for mindful
meditation- guided with a voice to help kids think about their life, or just
use soft music or silence. Have them focus on their breath- breathing in and
out. And set a timer. Sometimes using an object to direct their focus on helps
as well, like a candle or a rock.
Save your larynx, and
stop yelling at the kids for their lack of self-control. Instead teach them
this essential soft skill, by incorporating lessons of impulse control, delayed
gratification, consequences into your daily life. Be a good role model and
develop a trust bond and begin meditating. It will make your life easier and
less stressful and help build a stronger foundation for your kids and their
future- and maybe even help them resist the temptation to eat that chocolate
cake!
Source: Lifehack
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